Day 233 – Come clean time…

Morning weigh-in 94.8kgs – Christ almighty no!

• Total lost 17.5kg/ 38.5lbs

Watercheck – Not enough

Breakfast

• Oatbran Porridge
• Mug of Tea

Morning snack

• packet of cooked ham

Lunch

• Cheese ploughman sandwich

Afternoon grazing

• Chocolate biscuits
• Madeira cake slices x3
• Handful of grapes
• handful of kettle chips
• bucket load of shame

Dinner

• 400g chicken with Nando’s marinade.

Exercise

• 25 mins cycling to and from work
• 1 hour walk around the Meadows

Something Dave & Ruth said to me in the comments today, scared the crap outta me.  “You have to flatline ASAP if you are not going to regain all you lost.”

OMG what if that happened? Most people who lose a lot of weight put back on all the weight plus a bit more within like, 2 years of stopping their regime.  What if that happened to me? I can’t bear to think about it – that insidious creep up of the numbers on the scales, each time a little bit depressing, but each one incremental enough to not scare me too much.

I looked into the future today, and got scared – especially following all the crappy food I ate today, leftovers from the meeting that was on this afternoon.  I used to be able to resist all that crap.  And the fact that I didn’t today? Made me scared – hella scared.

So I got home this evening, put on my trainers, and went for my normal old 1 hour walk around the Meadows.  I played my music loud.  I stopped halfway through my walk (once the Violet Sedan Chair album ended) and created a new Spring In My Step playlist, which I’m going to refine over the next week – an hour of happy, bouncy music to put a smile on my face, cause I’m sick to death of my old playlist.  Then I kept on walking, zig zagging around the Meadows, stretching out the muscles and working away the Winter Blues.  And y’know what? It felt great.

After that, I cooked up some chicken breast for J and myself, and I’m planning on getting an early night.

Thanks to Dave and Ruth.  Thanks to recent de-Lurker Catherine for reminding me that just because I’ve done badly in a day, doesn’t give me leave to continue as I started. Those two perfect comments sent me on my walk this evening. 🙂

And thanks also to Bella and Holly for their comments – it’s nice to know that I’m not alone guys! 🙂

Day 227 – Cruise, PP

Morning weigh-in 92.7kgs – sickness weight

• Total lost 19.6kg/ 43.12lbs

Watercheck – 2.5

Breakfast

• Oatbran Porridge
• 2x microwaved eggs
• Mug of Tea

Morning snack

• 4 lean bacon rashers
• 4 slices of smoked ham, both dipped in:
• a couple of tablespoons of xtra light philly with garlic and onion seasoning added in

Lunch

• All-beef stew (with a bit of onion.)  Very salty, but tasty! Won’t help with water retention, however.

Afternoon snack

• Fat free sugar free chocolate pudding

Dinner

• Chicken dry fried in the skillet with Nandos piri piri dressing

After dinner snack

• Fat free sugar free chocolate pudding x2
• A few pieces of mini flapjack bites (left over from when I was sick)
• A Drifter chocolate bar

Exercise

• 25 mins walk to work
• 25 mins walk home from work

Gah. “Bounce bounce bounce,” say the scales.  It was to be expected from the amount of comfort food that I ate while I was sick.  I was a bad Dukanneer. BAD Dukaneer! No cookie!

I was up bright and early this morning though, feeling vastly better.  I was even up in enough time to be ready and out the door earlier than usual, so I decided to walk to and from work today rather than cycle (which really is the lazy option, my bike is so zippy.)

**After dinner**

Dammit.  I’m really not doing well.  I considered not admitting to the fact that I ate junk food after dinner.  I almost hid it from sight in shame, almost hit the publish button. But this blog is for me, not you.  And I shouldn’t be lying to myself.

*sigh*

How was I so dedicated to this diet in July/August, but now I just can’t seem to stop myself from stuffing junk food into my mouth?  All I can think of is that back when I was getting my evening walk, I’d kinda use that hour time period to re-connect myself with my commitment, a kind of meditatory me-time.

I’ve not had that so much over the winter.  If I go to the gym, I take some telly to watch on the iPad – anything to stave off the boredom of the gym.  But walking forces me to go inside my own head for an hour. When I did my Dukan walks, I’m not trying to get somewhere, I’m just keeping pace with the music, and thinking about how I’m committed to Dukan.

The sun’s coming back.  Once sunset’s late enough, I’ll get that walking back.

Rock on, March 16th!!

Cruise day 99 – PV

Morning weigh-in: 93kgs

• Daily GAIN 0.1kgs / 0.22lbs
• Total lost 19.3kg/42.46lbs

Watercheck –2.0l

Breakfast

• oatbran porridge
• 2x microwaved eggs
• Cup of coffee with sweetener

Lunch

• mini chicken breasts with homemade fajita seasoning
• 2 tbsp fat free creme fraiche & 2 tbsp salsa

Afternoon snack

• OMGFRELLING DISASTEROUS. 😦 Cakes and biscuits and sandwiches and crisps all left over from this afternoon’s meeting. Self flagellation will begin further down this post.

Dinner

• Small bit of fillet steak

Exercise

• 25 mins cycle to and from work
• 65 mins brisk walking around the Meadows

Right.  So I know I got no walking exercise done yesterday, but I was still on my bike for 30 mins, plus I was rushing around the office like a madwoman yesterday afternoon.  I did transgress with more than 2 tolerated foods, but honestly, it wasn’t that bad.  And yet I’m still up marginally this morning.

It’s interesting that it’s happening now, at this weight.  Dave and Ruth commented a while back about False Ceilings – where one’s body recognises a previous “stable” weight, and it takes a bit of work to break through that.  Well, a previous stable weight for me was back when I was about 17 or so, and it was 93.6kg.  I remember that reading so clearly, cause it was the very first time I went all out on a diet and managed to lose about 25kgs.  I did that by eating like a bird and exercising lots.  I still remember how hard it was to fit into a wetsuit back in those days, as I was learning to scuba dive.  I also look at photos from then and think, “golly, I sure looked fat”.  I don’t know whether it was just bad hair, no makeup and zero fashion sense (seriously, I was a train wreck) or whether it was that I’d not finished growing and therefore the 93.6 was on a shorter body, so proportionally I did have a rounder face.

Anyway, I’m at the next false ceiling now, and I seem to be having a bit of difficulty getting through it.  It doesn’t seem quite so disheartening if I bear that in mind – I just need to be patient, stay on track and keep moving & eating well, and I’ll get my whoosh…

*later, following the Afternoon Snack From Hell*

That’s it.  I’ve had it with myself.  Another long, stressful day at work today, and what did I do, but what I swore I wouldn’t.  Following the board meeting at work today, I was cleaning up with my colleagues, and there were stacks of leftover biscuits, cake, shortbread, crisps, sandwiches.  I partook gluttonously of them all.  WHERE THE HELL HAS MY SELF CONTROL GONE?!  I used to be able to resist, but today, it was almost like I was chowing down on them in SPITE of myself.  Like, “take THAT, Charlotte.  You’re trying to eat well, but I’m destroying your efforts by indulging myself.”

I’m feeling pissed off at myself right now.  I’m totally out of Ketosis now.  Under any other circumstance, I’d do another few days of PP to get myself back there again, but I’m afraid that if I do that, I’m just going to perpetuate this cycle of mini-attack after mini-attack, and that’s not the POINT of this diet.  This diet is supposed to be balanced, which is why Dukan recommends all the vegetables in the first place – he’s not comfortable with a meat-only diet, there have to be vitamins in there.

So.  Back to the drawing board.  I’ve realised that I’m hardly eating salads anymore.  More of those.  More vegetables.  More water, less cordial & diet coke.  Fat free yoghurt, but not Muller Lights – they have added sugar, real sugar.  I need to look back on what I was eating and what I was doing when things were going well – that is, after all, the point of this blog and my spreadsheet.

But most of all, more self control.  There’s another event at my work tomorrow, and almost guaranteed, there will be leftover tray bakes and sandwiches.

I must, above all, resist these things, or I’m never going to be able to get back into my good habits again.

Seriously, what’s WRONG with me?  This past 10 days have been seriously difficult, and I’m losing traction on my motivation.

Cruise days 91 & 92

I had two days off the Dukan Diet yesterday and the day before. (OK, and the day before that too, I suppose) Despite being off the diet, I still recorded my morning weigh-ins – 93.7 kgs for both days.  I’ll post morning weigh-in for today, day 93, tonight with my food log.

I had friends staying, and I had carby stuff – nothing outrageous (aside from those five pints of beer on Tuesday) but definitely enough to knock me out of ketosis, raise my glycogen levels and the accompanying water that goes with all that.  Fortunately I got oodles of exercise yesterday – I rode my bike ALL over Edinburgh with my guests.

So, result being that I’m up 1.5 kgs (3.3lbs) since Monday, which is not an altogether bad result.  Another 3 day attack and I’ll be back into Ketosis again, and hopefully I’ll be back into the 92s by the end of next week.  I’ve not had my daily walk in what feels like AAAAGES, so I’m quite looking forward to throwing on the walking shoes and pounding the pavement around the Meadows tonight.

My next mini-goal is to get to 89.9, and I’d hope to get there by Friday Oct 8th. My mum’s coming to visit that week, so hopefully I’ll be able to celebrate with her (and celebration no longer entails pizza. Honest.)

Cruise day 73 – PV

Morning weigh-in: 96.2kgs

• Daily LOSS 0.5kg/1.1lbs
• Total lost 16.1kg/35.42lbs

Watercheck –1.5l by 21.30

Breakfast

• oatbran porridge
• 2x microwaved eggs
• cup of tea

Lunch

• lean beef bolognese

Afternoon snack

• Muller light
• Mug of tea

Late afternoon snack

• Muller light
• Mini babybel light (oops! overshot my TF allowance!)

Dinner

• Chicken salad with lettuce, capsicum, tomato, onion and a low fat dressing
• 1 glass of wine with a friend

Exercise

• 50 mins walking around the Meadows.

So, despite being down to the lowest weight yet, I’ve had a bit of a down day today.  I went for my walk but just couldn’t find my stride, and I was all emotional when I went past the pastries in the supermarket.  Someone I spoke to decided that it would be a good idea to dangle the idea of donuts infront of me: “mmm, bet you’d love a nice jam donut right now…”

Believe it or not, this is the first time I’ve had someone try to sabotage my diet in this way since I started – my workmates are all incredibly supportive, my boyfriend always checks to make sure I’m ok with him having a beer (bless his heart), my mum checks in on the blog regularly and offers encouragement.

So to have someone actually try to sabotage my diet – especially someone close to me, my older brother – was like a slap in the face.  I have difficulty resisting things if I’m faced with them or forced to think about them too much.  If I see a poster of something off-diet in the street, I’ll actually pointedly look away.  You know what happened to me the other day with the shortbread.  So going for a walk after having been forced to think about jam donuts – a massive weakness for me, which I’ve not gone near since I started the diet – made me get crankier and crankier.  My stride was off, it took me AAGES to get round a shortened route, and halfway through the route I had to stop, go to the supermarket and get groceries for dinner tonight – the lovely chicken salad.

And of course, what should be one of the items lining the aisle to the checkout?

You guessed it.

Jam donuts.

Of course, I didn’t partake, but I was SO angry by the time I got out of there.  Nearly snapped at the checkout chick, and wanted to strangle the neds who were walking behind me talking in their ugly neddish accents (a ned, for those who don’t reside in Scotland, is a Westie.  A bogan.  Kinda white trash…) And poor J bore the brunt of my annoyance when I got home, I was just miserable.

I usually come home from my daily walk feeling energised and optimistic.  Today I just felt drained and annoyed.

Perhaps it’s just that time of the month or something…

*sigh*

<<later>>

Well, I did end up doing something bad today – I had a glass of white wine with a friend who spontaneously dropped by.  The visit, and the wine, were both very much appreciated, and made me feel much better about life. 🙂  It would have been two glasses of wine, but Link the Kitten was bouncing around the room like some sort of cat hopped up on feline ecstacy, and managed to put his WHOLE foot in my initial full glass of wine.  I’ll be damned if I’m drinking wine which has had a litter-box foot dipped in it…

Link, bless him – he’s looking out for my diet too.